Oz’s Wit

Read and comment on some of Osia “Oz” Papadopoulos’s witticisms below. Oz is a recurring character from “The E Z Knight Reports” Series. His one and two-line advice is almost never politically correct and nearly always crass, vulgar or insulting.

A little about Oz first: He’s the sixty-ish manager/bar tender of The Wizard’s Den (the tavern attached to Smokey’s Marina). A former Greek merchant marine, he’s always full of astute yet off-the-wall witticisms and observations. If you ever saw him, you’d say he reminds you a bit of Lon Chaney Jr.

Oz considers himself a philosopher, the likes of Aristotle (Onassis). He claims he and his twin brother were raised from birth by the same wolf pack that killed his parents until he was caught in a trap at the age of six. He’ll show you the trap scars on his ankle if you ask him. He says his brother is still living with the wolves on the island of Hydra.  If you tell him there aren’t any wolves on Hydra, he’ll tell you that just because no one else has ever seen them, it doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

He has pictures of two wolves above the bar that are captioned “Mom” and “Dad” underneath.  Beside them is a sideshow picture of Barnum and Bailey’s Wolf Boy, with the caption of “Brother Bo”. He’ll admit that these aren’t pictures of his real family, but they’re the best he can come up with from memory.

I hope you don’t mind uncensored sailor wisdom and adult humor, because that’s what’s coming up below. Just read until you’re disgusted, then move on to another page. 

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Here they are. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

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“Keep smiling and the day will get brighter,” Oz told me. “If it doesn’t by noon, go mess somebody up.”

“If you’re in front, don’t look back,” Oz said. “But, if you’re in back, cheat like Hell while the ones in front aren’t looking.”

“If you expect a food fight, carry a grenade in your pocket to throw into the goulash.”

“It doesn’t matter whether or not she’s got a gun, if a woman tells you to do something, do it.  Otherwise, she’ll make you wish you were dead, later.”

“There are always two sides to every story; the lie you tell, and the one you wish you’d told.”

“Don’t get caught in a lie; when the cops ask questions, just keep your mouth shut.”

“If you don’t have time to do a job right; screw it up good, and then make it look like somebody else did it.”

“Keep your friends close and your enemies close enough to kill with open sites.”

“It’s best to kill your enemies with kindness, but when that doesn’t work, use poison tipped hollow points.”

“If you’re sitting around waiting for someone else to do your job for you, make sure he sees you’ve got a gun.”

“Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet out of the cat shit.”

“If you want a job done right, you gotta kill the guy’s cousin so that he knows you mean business.”

“What goes up, must come down, so be sure you don’t throw a cow unless you want its asshole around your neck.”

“Walk softly and the first guy that opens his mouth, kick in the dick.”

“Usually, the guy who talks the most is the one with a couple of fingers already missing.”

“If you don’t like the crowd you’re with, a claymore mine works nice.”

“You can’t always get what you want, but you might find that you can keep everyone else from getting it with plastic explosives.”

“If you feel like a fish out of water, blow up the dam.”

“That old guy is tighter than a bull’s ass at fly time.”

“He was busier than a three-legged cat trying to cover up.”

“I’m so hungry, I could eat the ass out of a grizzly bear, runnin’.”

“I saw her jogging; her breasts looked like two monkeys fighting in a gunny sack.”

“If he thinks I’m gonna bust my ass and jump through my own asshole for him, he’s got another thing coming.”

“Seek and ye shall find a gun barrel in your mouth for being nosy.”

“It is better to give a bullet than to receive one.”

“Early to bed and early to rise will make your dick sore.”

“The early turd gets wormed.”

“A bird in the hand will leave shit on your fingers.”

“If you can’t beat ’em, frag ’em.”

“Time waits for no man, but women will wait for any man who drives a Porsche.”

“The best way for a woman to get to a man’s heart is with at least a three-inch blade.”

“The best way to a man’s heart is with strychnine through his pie hole.”

“Shoot first and they won’t be asking any questions later.”

“If somebody kills your dog, blow up his car.  If somebody kills your brother, burn down his house. If somebody kills your ex-wife, send him a check.”

“Fools rush in where angels fear they’ll step in shit.”

“You can’t make time, but women will make you wish you were doing it.”

“The sex was so good, the theater attendants were smoking.”

“When you’re on top, don’t let up,” Oz told me. “But, if you’re on the bottom, don’t let her down.”

“Then I told her, ‘Ol’ Mr. Ed here’s about to give you the ride of your life, honey.'”

“She was fantesticle! She was so fine, I had to fan my testicles to keep the sheets from catching fire.”

“She had one of those onion butts. Her butt was so nice, it made my eyes water.”

“Treat your pecker like a pack mule,” Oz said. “Only let it out when it’s got work to do, and wash it well after it gets all lathered up.”

“Some things are more better, and some things are more worser–but when you’re caught naked with another man’s wife, that’s more worser, yet.”

“Excuses are like assholes: everybody’s got one, but some are bigger than others, and they all stink.”

“Breast feeding in this bar is like giving chum to a minnow in a shark tank.”

“If you can’t take the heat, put on asbestos underwear.”

“So a guy calls when I’m tendin’ bar at this little Frisco pub, and he asks me if I could check n’ see if his buddy’s there. He gives me his name, and I repeated it to the crowd at the tavern, ‘Alpha Kenny Body?’ I call out, ‘Alpha Kenny Body here?’ Well, a little fella wearing lipstick comes up and hands me a napkin with his phone number on it….”

“Okay,” Oz tells you, “I’ve shown you mine, let’s see yours! Put ’em in the blog below.”